Breaking the silence

This week, Ickle Pickles is supporting Baby Loss Awareness Week, in memory of babies gone too soon. Together, we raise awareness of the support available and drive change to improve care and support.

To help start a conversation about baby loss and tackling the taboo that surrounds it we are sharing a mum Kim's letter to her little angel baby Jaxon.

A letter to beautiful Jaxon

“I do not understand why Jaxon had to face so many hurdles in his short life. Why you, why me, why us?

Constant questions that hound me daily. I am told you are in a better place, one free of any pain, tubes, or suffering. Although I want to believe this, to me your perfect place is with me and your sister. 

I do understand that, as unbearable as this pain is every day, the love and joy you brought were infinitely more. 

Jaxon Campbell, you blessed our lives for 3 months and 9 days. Words fail to describe your fierce passion for life. You thrived like few people ever do or will. No matter what you were going through, you soldiered on with such dignity and grace, giving the brightest smiles. You could tell stories and volumes with your big, beautiful eyes. 

You spent 99 days in the NICU and fought like the bravest little lion in our pride, despite being on a journey that no child and no parent should ever have to go through. No matter what, you gave us the spirit and strength to fight alongside you as you tried to stay with us. 

How I miss our mornings asking you “How are you feeling? How are you doing?” and you smiling at me. You would look at me like ‘That’s my Mama’.

I must stay strong for your beautiful little sister, who misses you terribly, too. How do you tell your sister who longed so much for you, mummied you, protected you and loved you unconditionally, that you are not coming home. We protected her the night you passed. She later told me that she was angry that I was never honest with her. Something I will hold forever.

You are now one of heaven’s angels: a perfect little star and when you shine, the world can see how bright you are. 

I love you, Jaxon, to infinity and beyond. My perfect little warrior.”

Kim’s grief

Jaxon’s mum Kim, shares her experience of grief in the hope of supporting other NICU parents and helping other babies in memory of Jaxon.

“Having a baby in the NICU is a rollercoaster of emotions and a step-by-step process with many tiny steps forward and even more steps backwards. But witnessing the determination of these little babies fighting for every breath is life-changing. All you can do is stand by and watch helplessly. 

This is something parents are not programmed to do at all. I longed for late-night feeds, being awake all hours, nappy changing and milestones. Now the milestones are the number of days and months you have been gone and ‘you would have been 9,10,11 months old...’

Should you find yourself still on this journey, hold them tight, take in everything: smells, and memories and take lots of photos whether it be a happy ending or not; you will thank yourself.

In the beginning, after losing them, it is very hard. I surrounded the house with photos, handprints and mementoes of his time with us. Sometimes I had to remind myself that this is not a bad dream, this is real. Those few moments in the morning when you wake and forget, to only have it all rush back to you moments later is the hardest. 

This is your journey there is no timeframe for grief, no right or wrong. Although everyone will have an opinion, treat it like background noise. You will get used to the avoidance of people, because people will not know what to say. It is human nature, fight or flight.

Life has thrown me some very hard challenges, but nothing can ever compare to losing my son. Just take each day, hour minute as it comes because grief and triggers can come at any moment. 

Our daughter Lottie knows so much. She is Jaxon’s big sister. She was angry and had lots of questions. Lottie has had numerous amounts of support from Ickle Pickles, Demelzer and Kings College Hospital. She now longs to add Jaxon to her middle name.

With baby loss month coming and Jaxon’s first birthday, this is getting harder. It can only be described as drowning on dry land. I have started bereavement support which although I do not feel will ever help and bring him back, it is good to be able to talk to someone about all this pain to learn ways to cope and breathe.

Jaxon’s life may have been short, but his memory will be eternal. I vow to my little warrior to take him wherever we go. I will honour his short life by helping and supporting parents, babies and siblings who are just like us. I will take our pain and turn it into purpose through Jaxon’s Wish in support of the Ickle Pickles Children’s Charity. On his birthday,  I will be climbing Pen y Fan to raise money. Just to be on a peak to feel a little closer to Jaxon on his first birthday. 

Both my babies have changed and saved my life, giving me purpose and meaning that I never knew was missing. I am now an earth parent and a heaven parent. Thank you for teaching me to always hope and reminding me that the best advocate for a child is their family’s unconditional love for them.“

Whatever your experience, you are not alone. If you would like to talk to someone or find local support, here are some organisations that provide bereavement support and information to parents who have experienced pregnancy and baby loss anywhere in the UK.

For Baby Loss Awareness Week, the Ickle Pickles Children’s Charity invites you to join them in lighting a candle, whilst remembering all the precious little lives that have been lost.

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