Harley’s Story

Harley was an IVF baby so our journey began 3 years before, but as for the pregnancy itself Gem did not enjoy it at all and after being diagnosed with placenta previa we began planning for an early C-section.

Placenta Previa

At 28 weeks Gem had a major bleed which resulted in her being sent to Salisbury as Dorchester County Hospital (DCH) does not take babies born before 31 weeks.

Over the next 3 weeks, we were in and out of DCH, Salisbury and Basingstoke hospitals to accommodate if Harley had to be delivered. Every day was a series of blood tests, drug infusions, scans and waiting. My work was brilliant about the situation, but sleeping on a reclining chair and staying in a series of hospitals was stressful for us both. We clung on, getting to 31 weeks when Harley could be looked after at DCH and we could stop being moved across the South.

All in all, we wouldn't wish placenta previa on anyone.

Harley’s Birth

The night Harley was born we sat on the sofa at home at 10 pm - about to go to bed - when Gem screamed from the toilet, losing a lot of blood. The ambulance was there instantly or so it seemed. I called Gem’s midwife and told her this was the worst bleed and that Harley was probably going to need to come tonight after my previous experience and conversation with hospital staff.

Due to the amount of needles Gem had over the last month, they could not get a vein to help her. Within minutes Gem was struggling to remain conscious.

We live around the corner from the hospital so I walked over with the bags as Gem was stabilised in the ambulance.

I arrived at the hospital at least 15 minutes before the ambulance and the midwife had called ahead to the hospital theatre. The maternity ward theatre was still in use, so the theatre set up was on the opposite side of the hospital (this information is important for later). Gem arrived in the hospital at 10:20 and by 10:45 she was in theatre as her blood loss was deemed preterminal, both Gem and Baby were clocking out.

By 10:49 Harley was born and both required resuscitation. Gem had 4 units of blood to stabilise her, she was then taken into ITU (Intensive Therapy Unit).

Harley was taken to SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit), but an error in changing the umbilical camp led it to tear on the journey across the hospital in the lift, meaning Harley needed a transfusion.

In the 20 minutes I had with Gem in the hospital before being rushed to surgery a lot was going on, blood everywhere, Gem trying to remain conscious, and doctors using ultrasound to try and find veins.

Meeting Harley

As they all left for surgery, I was left in a room that resembled a murder crime scene. A cleaner came to clean it all up. I just sat there, trying to not think, in a room with a clock for 2.5 hours.

At some point around 1:30 am, a nurse came and I went to see Harley. Once she was stabilised and prior to her being moved to a travel incubator, I stroked her head as most of her face was covered in tubes and her arms full with tubes and wires.

Before Harley was taken on the ambulance to transfer her to Portsmouth NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), she was taken to see Gem, who was heavily sedated but got to touch her hand through an incubator window. That would be the last time for 8 days that Gem would see her and to this day cannot remember it.

On the next day, the 24th of October, I tried to get some sleep, eat and ensure Gem was stable. We had a few calls from Portsmouth about Harley's condition.

The hardest week of my life

On the 25th, I travelled to Portsmouth’s Queen Alexandra Hospital and was led to an incubator where I was told who and where Harley was. We got to meet each other properly and have a cuddle.

I then spent the next week between Gem’s bedside and Harley's Incubator. The hardest week of my life and the cause of my symptoms later to be diagnosed as PTSD.

After a week Harley was transferred to a hot cot and Gem was well enough to travel in a car. 

Throughout NICU, the care was incredible. We quickly found our way and learned about how to care for Harley. She struggled to feed for the first 2 weeks but she eventually made good progress. By mid-November, Harley was well enough to be transferred to DCH and one step closer to home.

We managed to spend one weekend bedding at Portsmouth but otherwise, commuting was how we got by. Usually spending one day at home sorting out everything and one day with Harley.

Feeling lost

Ickle Pickles and Sophie's Legacy provided great support. A surreal bond with some parents was formed, even though nobody knew each other’s names. I think it's better these relationships that formed were only temporary but in that moment, it was some of the closest as we all felt lost.

The first few trips I did by myself. Family then drove me as my mind was elsewhere and emotional. I was a wreck. The support of family is key, but the support came in many ways. From walking our dogs to feeding us to driving us. To just a hug.

Back in Dorchester, Gem moved into SCBU to be with Harley and I returned home.

Harley was finally discharged in December, just in time for Christmas.

In SCBU, Gem bonded with Harley in an environment where she had professional support and this was a huge help. I spend my evenings with them after work trying to keep the two halves of our lives together.

Paternal postnatal depression and Post-traumatic stress disorder

Needless to say, the last three months of 2023 took its toll. I now have more grey hairs.  I sought counselling as my emotions became difficult to control.

A combination of Paternal postnatal depression (PPND) and Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as it turns out.

As time goes on, we are now in a good place. Gem is now also going through counselling to make sense of things.

My Advice for NICU Dad's

You just have to get through each day, it won't be forever. 

You can only be a good rock if you look after yourself. That means eating, drinking, sleeping and getting some fresh air when possible to decompress. Only then can you think straight and stop it becoming overwhelming.

Talk to people and take any help you can.

Don't overthink it. Just be in the moment and stop your other halves becoming consumed by their phones and bad internet sources.

Your mental health will take a hit, so seek help and try to talk through things with professionals.

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