Max and Maude’s story
Baby Loss Awareness Week
When you fall pregnant, as a mum, I think you naturally worry. But I do not think you ever expect to end up in a neonatal unit. Maybe you do not even know they exist. So when this becomes your reality and your twin babies are born at 25+2 weeks, the level of worry amplifies.
Both my children Max and Maude were fighting so hard and doing everything they could to grow and come home. We had difficult conversations with a consultant on the first day when we arrived on the ward, about what levels we wanted them to go to, to help support or save Maude, as her lungs were not as developed and showed signs that she may struggle. Over 31 days, she had improved so much, that even the same consultant commented on the improvement and change in her. So it came as a shock that after 31 days of life, she became rapidly unwell with a bug. And within 10-12 hours she had passed away.
There could never and there will never be anything that can prepare you for that moment. That level of pain and grief is immeasurable. I will forever be able to recall the events of that day and see them in my mind.
Having Max still on the neonatal unit and his big brother Leo at home gave us a routine and some structure. We had to be strong for both boys and ensure that we were still there for them. I could not hide in bed feeling sorry for myself. I had to continue to be brave and look after my boys.
I believe having this routine gave us not only structure but also a purpose. It did not stop the pain or hurt, it did not stop the questions of “what if” or “could I have done something to stop it from happening”, “Was it my fault” or “I failed in my mum's role to protect her” but it helped.
I used and still use the psychological support on the ward to help talk about my feelings and I cry. A lot. I talked to Andrew, my partner, and my family about her and how I was feeling. I ran and used the Peloton bike, to help manage my mood and give me some time and headspace. I tried to find the joy in spending time with Leo and Max.
The grief does not go away and I will always feel that loss. I do not think I will ever feel complete but your life and world grow around the grief and it helps you manage.
I recently ran the Berlin marathon. When it got hard to run, I just remembered how hard my babies fought, and what they went through was so much harder than what I was doing and it really helped spur me on. Whenever life is tough I just have to think of her. I do everything to make her and my boys proud.
If I could say anything to her now, it is just how proud I am of her and that she will always be a part of our family. We will remember her always. We will ensure the boys do, too. I know she is there, guiding us and looking out for her big brothers.
